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Plot-wise from this first chapter, it seems like you have a good idea going. There are a lot of questions that are raised for the reader after getting to the end of this chapter about Lilly and the boy that passed away: who was he, how did he die, where is this story going, etc.? All of them keep the reader interested and wanting to know more about the characters and what is going to happen to them now that this information has been delivered. However, there are some things that should be looked at in the actual execution of the story to keep your readers interested and want to go to the next chapter more than just the plot.

The first thing that really stood out to me when I started reading was sentence structure. There are a lot of run-on sentences throughout this opening chapter that I noticed and actually had to re-read a few times just to catch my breath and see what was going on. Some of them (like the description of the boy) were so long winded with detail that it's easy for the reader to get lost in them. Just take your time and slow down and separate them into some more sentences instead of cramming it all into one. Punctuation, like I mentioned, could really help with this. There were some places where punctuation wasn't used correctly, or more commas were placed than needed. Go back through and look carefully at how you punctuate. It may help eliminate some of these run-on sentences and make firmer, shorter ones.

Eliminating needless words can also be very helpful with the run-on sentences. I spotted a lot of them when I was reading through, and you can too by reading your work aloud. The ear helps pick up mistakes that the eye sometimes can't. Sometimes, just taking out a word here or there can be helpful in making a chapter flow smoother.

With dialogue, there were a few things, as well, that could be tidied up. Some of the dialogue between Lilly and Jess seemed forced or too "corny" (for lack of a better word). Try to find speech that seems more natural for people. Reading your work aloud to yourself can help again with this and allow you to see when speech is forced or when it sounds like something that you would say in a particular situation.

Also when it came to dialogue, there were some areas where you used all caps to stress emotion. There are other correct ways to do this. Capitalization in work is used usually primarily for company's or for abbreviations. When you want to stress emotion, do so through the use of italics on certain words and in dialogue tags.

I think the main point after all of those things would be to watch the balance between showing and telling. You have some areas where you show, but a lot of this chapter is telling. Really show the reader how Lilly is feeling, don't tell them. Get the reader to feel how Lilly feels. This could be a very emotional and hard hitting chapter, but in its current form, it's not reaching that point yet. Building up the "show" aspect and not the "tell" can really help the reader get engaged and feel what your characters feel. I think that's the main thing to work on with this once the smaller things are cleaned up.

I do have to applaud you on your pacing, though! You write at a speed and pacing that is enough to keep the reader interested. A lot of writers have trouble with pacing when they first start out, but you tackle it well! Like I had mentioned in the beginning, you definitely have a great start for a plot and it's most certainly something that is going to get your readers interested and want to keep going.

Overall, you did a good job developing this so far. Just some tweaking in execution and some editing and I think that you'll get this polished nicely and up to its full potential than the version now. Best of luck with your edits and keep writing!
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girlpower12121 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for taking your time to write such feedback. It is extremely helpful and heart warming when someone takes the time to really point things out. I think everything you said was pretty fair. I myself agree with everything you said. Posting this at like 2 in the morning wasn't the smartest idea but you learn from your mistakes.

Again, thank you very much and I will be taking everything that you said on board.
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