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I think that you're off to a good start plot-wise. You seem to know your characters fairly well based on their differing personalities here and there and how you portray them throughout. They definitely were an interesting follow while I read through. I think your strongest part of writing comes from some of your details, however. You do a great job in setting the scene with just enough detail to not overdo it and at the same time, not give too little. Due to this, your description paragraphs flow smoothly and keep the reader interested.

I think the main thing that I'd have to critique in this would be the structure (mainly with punctuation/grammar/etc.). There were quite a few places where punctuation was off (a lot of the time with the ellipses used for speech at the beginning of dialogue) and where capitalization was used where it wasn't needed. In some instances, as well, there were multiple punctuation marks (such as exclamation marks, question marks, etc.) that need to be cleaned up here and there. There were quite a bit of these issues throughout this piece which was probably what threw me out of the story more than the actual plot itself (which you want to avoid, especially if the plot is moving as well as yours is). Running another close read-through should help you find these issues and get them cleaned up properly. Just remember: only one punctuation mark can be used at a time (ex: ? instead of ??/ ! instead of !!), capitalization isn't used for emphasis but instead for business name and abbreviations (use dialogue tags to let readers know that characters are yelling, and italics to stress certain words), and clean up some of the ellipses that aren't needed (those at the beginning of dialogue (ex: "...______") and especially those where the dialogue is only ellipses ("..." she said).

Another thing that could be worked on a tad is showing vs. telling. Yo do have some areas of showing here, but a lot of this was telling. Really get the reader grounded in this setting and really get them to fully know, understand, and bond with these characters. Make them feel how the characters are feeling. This is something that a lot of writers struggle with and it takes a lot of time to fix, but with practice and revision, it will start showing in your work more.

Like I said, I think you're off to a great start story-wise. You seem to know your plot well and your characters, but you can make your reader know them just as well. I'd say that the punctuation and capitals are what really just need fixing up the most right now, and when they are fully polished, this will flow much better and keep the reader grounded in your writing.

Great start and best of luck to you in your further writings!
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JustineOfTheVespas Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you very much for the critique. I'm glad you liked the way I went about the plot, and the characters. :)

You pointed out a couple of things I had already thought about myself. I do agree that I can be a bit extreme with my punctuation, and I could do better with setting the scene. Aside from that you said a number of other things that I think can honestly help me in future writing.

Thanks again for taking the time to write this. I appreciate it. :)
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